I am a terrible failure at both. For most of my life I have stared too much especially at women (of course). When I see food I want to eat some. When I am not looking at food I am thinking at how I can create something to eat. I am planning what I will eat or not eat. Invariably I mess it up and fail. I eat more than I should and things I should not. All my efforts to reduce my eating have been failures. I still try. However that makes me very self conscious.
I was with a group of women Saturday morning, the wives of the offenders in our marriage class. We were leaving the jail for the last time. One of them used the expression "What do I do with my eyes?" It's a great way to express the problem. She mentioned that in certain situations she lowers her eyes. That rings a bell with me. At some time very early on in life, junior high maybe, I decided I would not lower my eyes as a sort of rebellion. Lowering my eyes, averting my eyes, seemed to be admitting defeat against those who teased me, put me down.
I am working to see it differently. Now I think of it as preferring the other. I do not want to send the wrong message, make people feel self conscious. I do not want to give the wrong impression. I am not trying to flirt. Quite the opposite. (I guess to some women staring, meeting someone's eyes looks like flirting - who knew?) So I consciously avert my eyes when passing someone now. This is all very self conscious. Will it ever be natural? Is it natural for some people? I do not think it will ever be natural for me. And I am still learning in this area.
I think I am doing better in this area. Who knows for sure? But in the food area I am still a bit failure. And I am still very self conscious too self conscious. I need to find things to keep my mind off food. It's like if I think "don't think about food, don't think about food ..." of course I am thinking about food. And I give in to temptation.
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